Author Spotlight week - Excerpt from What The Heart Sees

I'd known Kirk for a few years before she entered my life. I met her one day when I was returning home from a walk with Ralphie. Ralphie is a Cockapoo -- part Cocker Spaniel, part Poodle I bought because I read in Esquire that adorable dogs are babe magnets. Women can never walk by a really cute dog without kneeling down to scratch its ear, which is an oxymoron if you think about it. 'Cute Dog'.

Some of Kirk's girlfriends have actually said that to me. "You're a really cute dog, Ansel."

How do you respond to something like that? I ran around in circles and barked. When in doubt, go for the laugh.

Anyway, I was returning home from a walk with my babe magnet the day she moved into the first floor apartment in our building. Talk about stink! She was, speaking in matters of personal hygiene, a complete mess. Her hair was stringy, and she had food stains down the front of her shirt like maybe her last meal had come from the bowels of a fast-food dumpster. Either she'd been crying for a week straight, or she was a serious crack head. Her nose was leaking, and she kept wiping the snot on her sleeve where it congealed like pork gravy. Honest, I had all I could do to keep from upchucking my cornflakes.

Somehow, though, I pulled myself together, figuring she could use a hand. Everything she owned was in a black plastic bag she hauled behind her like it held the weight of a cadaver. Even next to the scary, dark side of Los Angeles, the whole scenario was pretty spooky. I was positive she'd been living on the streets, probably under an overpass, or in an alley under a tent of cardboard. I even wondered if she might have been, you know, a prostitute.

Anyway, despite her obvious dire circumstances, when she spotted Ralphie, she dropped everything and knelt down straight away to scratch his ears, which says a lot about my babe magnet. He returned the favor by parking his snout in her crotch. Way to go, Ralphie boy!
Still, she wasn't exactly the type of woman I had in mind. Ralphie's taste in women was questionable to say the least. He habitually picked up the wrong kind -- women who were squat, squint-eyed and fashion challenged. Ralphie was short himself, so maybe it had something to do with crotches -- how low to the ground they are.

I showed him some posters of models I had tacked on the wall of my bedroom, and some snapshots of Kirk's cast-offs, too. You know, girls with long, shapely legs in five-inch heels and thirty-eight inch hooters.

"When you see somebody that looks like that, act cute and wag your tail like crazy. I'll do the panting. And that crotch business -- leave that to me, too."

So anyway, there's this chubby little broad with thick-lens glasses not more than five feet three inches tall with absolutely no sense of style. Call me shallow, but I was reminded of the sitcom Ugly Betty except 'Dumpy' didn't have braces. In fact, her teeth, which were perfectly straight and white, and her smile -- which dimpled her Pillsbury Doughboy cheeks -- were probably her best features.

So, like I was saying, she was moving into the ground floor apartment, the nastiest one in our building, because the octagenarian found dead in bed had lived there for maybe forty years and our slum landlord never fixed anything until a tenant moved out... or died.

Author Spotlight week - Q&A with Janice Zick

STEPH: I don't know much about What the Heart Sees. Can you tell me about it?

JANICE: My novel, What the Heart Sees, is about a struggling stand up comedian who has been corrupted by Hollywood's narrow standards of beauty and loose morals until he meets a short, chubby girl from the heartland who wins his affection over time by teaching him the meaning of love.

STEPH: Where did you find the inspiration for the novel?

JANICE: My inspiration for the novel came from a character that grew in my mind and became so distinct and quirky that I just had to make him the main character in a novel. He more or less insisted on it—would not leave me alone until I did. Because Ansel Dueseldorf is a fairly witty, aspiring standup, it only followed that the novel had to be written in first person. His one liners really cracked me up. Do you see how real he became to me as I was writing? The theme from the Twilight Zone plays here.

STEPH: Where is the novel set?

JANICE: The setting is LA/Hollywood for obvious reasons where Ansel has lived his entire life, and a woman is not considered beautiful unless she's at least five foot nine, resembles Paris Hilton or Angelina Jolie, and can squeeze into a dress size two.

STEPH: How long did it take you to write?

JANICE: I don't know exactly how long it took to write, but I know it was less time than any of my other novels—maybe just a month or two. Once I knew my main character(s), it more or less wrote itself. It was fun, because I never knew what Ansel and Greta would do next although they were always true to form.

STEPH: Do you like to write in the morning or the evening?

JANICE: I write after my coffee in the morning sitting up in bed wearing my toe jams. Some days, if my muse is working well, I don't get dressed at all. Usually though I only write for about three hours at a stretch. I find that after that I'm fairly drained creatively.


STEPH: Tell us a little about where you live.

JANICE: I've lived in Wisconsin my entire life. The small town I live in—Cedar Grove—is very near Lake Michigan twenty minutes south of Sheboygan and forty-five minutes north of Milwaukee. Wisconsin is the dairy state and stomping ground for diehard Packer fans called cheeseheads who drink a lot of beer probably because they eat a lot of salty brats. I myself do not imbibe as beer gives me a headache.

I have, however, been known to eat a fair number of brats.

Wisconsin has many lovely lakes, even more than Minnesota. Our winters are very cold, our summers are very hot, our springs are rainy although May can be lovely and our autumns, if the conditions are right, can be ablaze with color.

If you sit in one of our fast food restaurants for any length of time, you'll learn there are lots of short, chubby women like Greta living in Wisconsin. You would count me among them. I consider them real women unlike the Hollywood wannabes that parade through my story. Jeanine Gerafalo (sp?) called them “freaks of nature” in one of her comedic monologues. I laughed my ass off, which was wishful thinking, because when I turned around it was still there.

STEPH: Are you a plotter or a panster?

JANICE: I'm definitely a panster. When the characters are well formulated in my mind, they just do what comes naturally. I give them lots of rope (at times to hang themselves,) and they are in charge of the twists and turns in my novels. I was active in drama during my high school and college years. I like to write in first person, because I find myself getting in character and becoming that person. (More Twilight Zone music here: Do do do do, do do do do.)

STEPH: How long have you been writing?

JANICE: I've been writing off and on for the last ten to twelve years.

STEPH: Do you have any hobbies you'd like to share?

JANICE: My hobbies are reading and sculpting angels, nativity scenes and other figurines from polymer clay.
My favorite past time is being with my three young grandsons, who are growing up way too fast.

I plan to buy a Kindle very soon.

Featured August Release - What the Heart Sees by Janice Zick

ABOUT THE BOOK:

Ansel, an aspiring stand-up living in L.A. uses what he considers his unfortunate looks and his sad memories of childhood -- particularly Christmases past as fodder for his comedy routines. Often rejected on the basis of his looks alone, he is only attracted to tall, beautiful, svelte women he can only get by default compliments of his handsome, best friend Kirk, who “goes through women like socks.” When he dumps them, he gives Ansel their phone numbers; and because they’re devastated and on the rebound, they agree to go out with him because he makes them laugh.

When Greta, a slightly chubby, slightly stout, Midwestern girl moves into Ansel’s apartment building, they become ‘buddies.’ Or that’s what Ansel thinks. Greta has other ideas.


EXCERPT:
My name is Ansel Deusledorf, so you can see how I had a strike against me from the very beginning. I can't blame everything on my name. I realize that. There's the way I look, too. I look just like you'd expect someone to look with a name like Deusledorf. They should have named me Icabod instead of Ansel. Icabod Deusledorf -- it has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Except that every bully who ever picked on me during my entire childhood probably would have called me 'Icky' for short. I don't think I would have liked that.

Anyway, I have a rather skinny neck, a prominent Adam's apple and a somewhat beakish nose, both of which stick out farther than my whatzit does when it gets excited. My teeth are a little too big for my face and slightly buck. Suffice it to say, I never get the girl. Unless you count the ones I get by default -- compliments of Kirk Hanson.

If I sent my picture to the producers of that Extreme Makeover plastic surgery show on television, they'd take me straight away. Or that's what I thought, because I've heard the more work you need done, the more likely it is they'll choose you. They like dramatic changes in the after picture.

Actually, I sent a video to that program a few months back. They said and I quote: "We generally like to select people who have some potential."

I used this incident in my monologue once thinking I'd get a laugh. Instead, the entire audience said, "Awwwww." It wasn't the response I wanted. It was laughter I was after.

I saw a psychic on television the other day -- Saliva Tan I believe her name was -- who claims a soul picks its own parents. But, I can't imagine being allowed to select any two people from maybe a billion candidates and saying, "I'll take the homely ones standing over there by that tree -- the woman with the humungous nose and the skinny guy with buck teeth". Evidently, that's what I did.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
I began my writing career as a free-lance journalist. I've written six novels in the last six years. I often work on more than one novel at a time. When I hit an impasse with one, I simply set it aside for a spell and work on another. Eventually, I know I'll break through my block. I cannot not write for any extended length of time.

Desert Breeze Congratulates Janice on her latest release!

An A-muse-ing Interview with J Morgan, Steph Burkhart, and muses Diana & Isolde!

J Morgan's muse from @mused, "Diana" and Steph Burkhart's muse from "Matchmaking Amusement," "Isolde" teamed up to interview each other's authors today. It's a fun post with a lot of chuckles. First up: Diana interviews Stephanie.

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DIANA: As a Muse I don't normally do interviews. It's not that I'm anti-interview or anything. It's just that the powers that be would rather we kept low-key on the public appearances. Something about it kicking us into a higher tax bracket. I call bull pucky on that but since they cut the checks, I tend to keep my mouth shut. Like I said, I don't normally do interviews but when Desert Breeze told me I'd get to play Larry King, I couldn't pass up the chance.

So sit back and get ready for the first thrilling episode of Diana the Muse Live!

Joining me onset today is none other than Stephanie Burkhart, author, mother and muse dependent and muse addict! Sorry, but you've got to jazz these things up to get readership up.

So Steph, how long have you been addicted to muses and are you jonzing right now? Because I'm taken and I have pepper spray in case you get any funny ideas.

Author Stephanie Burkhart



Stephanie: Diana you're wild. I'm actually trying to do this interview with my 3 nyear old on my lap. Forgive my typos. Joe is a heck of a muse in his own right. Funny ideas? me. hahahahaha

Diana: Somebody get legal on the phone to see if we have to pay double for the child labor.

Now, while they jump on that let's move on to the next question. It's been rumored you snagged Shakespeare's Muse. After reading your story, I have to say you must have. Since, muses are forced to sign a nondisclosure agreement, where did the idea for Matchmaking A-muse-ment come from? Like I don't know. Wink, wink, nudge nudge.

Stephanie: Um, the idea came from my muse of course! (I don't want to make Isolde mad at me) I don't know about Shakespeare's muse but I'll settle for JK Rowling's muse. Isolde is very picky who she works for. Actually, Gail Delaney, (Editor in Chief at Desert Breeze) asked me if I wanted to write Matchmaking Amusement and I got all excited, jumped up and down and said "Heck, yes!" Then Isolde took over and threw some pixie dust on the story.

Diana: By pixie dust, you mean actual pixie dust and not some hip slang for something else. Because this is a family show.

Stephanie: Yes! Isolde grows her pixie dust in the marshes on New Galatia. She's very proud of her crop.

Diana: Before the police raid you, could you explain the importance of pixie dust to a muse? I would but that would be revealing trade secrets.

Stephanie: Quite simply, Pixie Dust is what enables Isolde to work her magic. Isolde is not your typical muse. She can actually talk to her writer. It's very disconcerting if you know what I mean.

Diana: I'm sure I don't, but let's continue. As an author have you ever wanted to be a muse yourself? The pay stinks but man the fringe benefits are worth it. We might even get dental this century.

Stephanie: I don't know about that. Isolde's job is hard, fluttering about and filing her nails. I don't have the imagination to be a muse.


Diana: Don't sell yourself short. A-muse-ment is an amazing story. I'm sure it wasn't all Muse inspired. After all, I'm not your muse.

Okay my producer is signaling that we need to wrap this up. Before he cuts to a commercial, what is the one thing you hope your readers come away from your stories with?

Stephanie: That there's a little bit of Isolde in all of us. *smiles*

Diana: Stephanie, thanks for joining us today. It has been a pleasure and please don't forget your gift bag as you leave.

What do you mean we ran over budget and couldn't afford gift bags! My agent will hear about this! Sorry, Steph. That's the reason I stick to the written word. Just so you don't leave empty handed—which you are—could you please let our readers know all the fabulous places they can find out more about you and your fantastic books?

Stephanie: Thanks, Diana. You can visit me at: http://sgcardin.tripod.com or http://sgcardin.blogspot.com. My paranormal romance, "The Hungarian" will be available 1 MAY with Desert Breeze.

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Now it's Isolde's turn to interview JMO.

ISOLDE: I usually don't talk to anyone but Tristan and Jane, but I grabbed a 1 lb bag of pixie dust and threw it on J. Morgan so I could interview him about his story, "@Mused." He was a good sport about it, after hacking up a lung and taking a Benadryl pill, he was all game to talk to me. So J, give us the skinny – I heard working an old world muse like Diana was rough. Just how tough is she on you?

JMO: Hack! Snort! Sneeze! Uh, excuse me but apparently I'm allergic to pixie dust. You don't happen to have a Zyrtek handy, do you?

Diana was wonderful to work with. Well, as long as you kept the Oreos coming. I ran out half way through the story and ended up typing one handed until I could get to the store. BTW, the muse mafia is real and they don't mind breaking a bone or three to get what they want.

ISOLDE: The Muse Mafia ? I wouldn't want to encounter that bunch. I'm afraid they'd break a nail. I heard Diana hit you over the head with a computer monitor to get your attention? Mind you, I don't know if my source – The National Inquirer – is really reliable.

Author J Morgan


JMO: They got the story half right. She crushed my hand in a laptop until I did what she wanted. Stupid me. I thought I was the one writing the story.

ISOLDE: Silly you, indeed! You know it's all about the muse. So how did "@Mused" come about? And don't blame it on the pixie dust!

JMO: Funny thing is, I really did have a Muse named Diana behind it. My good friend Diana Castilleja inspired it. We were chatting and she something about how much is inspired between authors chatting in IM and the story just popped into my head. A lot of people don't know this but in addition to Muses authors need other authors to help us deal with the craziness that is the writing life. Truthfully, I don't think non-writers understand how crazy authors really are. So I guess you could say it's all her fault, except for the Oreo scene. That's all mine.

ISOLDE: Oreos and pixie dust. I wonder if they mix. I agree writers need other writers. So what about the cheetoes was that all you too?

JMO: Okay, I am ashamed to admit this, but the occasional Cheeto has found its way into my chest hair. Thankfully, my wife is more than happy to laugh and point them out to me.

ISOLDE: Bless her. I just can't do the visual. Well, I'm going to wrap this up before the pixie dust wears off. Oh, Tristan just gave me a box of Oreos to give to you, they look…interesting to say the least. I prefer strawberries myself. My Mom in New Galatia is really proud of this interview, so do you want to leave some links where they can check out your writing?

JMO: Thanks it's been a blast. BTW, Strawberry Cream Oreos are the bomb! I'd love to have everyone check out my website and invite y'all to add me on Facebook where I tend to act abnormally on a daily basis.

http://www.freewebs.com/jmorganslair/
http://www.facebook.com/JmorganAuthor

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Hope you enjoyed the fun!
JMO & STEPH BURKHART